Him & Her

Fall In Love To Heal A Wound

Once you break up with your partner, it is a painful experience. Quite often, we try to alleviate the pain of our soul by creating a new love union. However, such a plan not always makes us happy.

A romantic relationship we are trying to engage in freshly after breaking up the previous one, may really help us to get rid of painful memories. At the same time, such fast changes may seriously hurt us. Here are the possible negative consequences of this method, as defined by Chris Fraley and Claudia Brumbaugh, the psychologists.

Drawbacks of “quick” falling in love:

  • the desire to heal with the help of another person and leave behind the stage of sadness and saying goodbye to the previous partner;
  • a high level of emotional dependency on a new partner;
  • danger that a partner will start manipulating you because of your consciously weak position;
  • your own readiness to manipulate the partner;
  • fear of being pushed away and a low level of trust to your partner;

The psychologists draw our attention to some points that may indicate that new relationships are potentially dangerous both for us and our new partner.

Watch out these signs

You view the partner as a temporary variant

Even if you are trying to convince your partner and yourself of the opposite, deep inside you understand that this is not the person with whom you are ready to connect your life, but you can always find your slavic women. Let’s see what Preston Nee, a psychologist and interpersonal professional, thinks about it.

“There is nothing bad in a short-term relationship, it is also a part of your experience. At the same time, you have to remember that a new partner may use your unstable psychological condition to force you to something you are not ready for yet (e.g., to cohabit, to go traveling). Once you refuse, the partner may turn indifferent and cruel. Also, you risk hurting a person who seriously treats you and sincerely cares for you.”

You are attracted by care and attention you receive

We are looking for somebody to surround us with love, care, and gives warmth. The accompanying positive emotions help us to cope with pain and become confident again. Try to be honest with yourself: does this person really matter to you, and are you, in turn, ready to give? Or are you just using him/her as an emotional donor? Remember that the givers are usually happier than the takers, and once you are not ready for reciprocity, it is simply unfair to use other’s energy to heal your emotional wounds.

You call the partner only when you feel lonely

In this case, we need a temporary rescuer rather than a person we are ready to accept in our life. According to Preston Ni, we are guided by the infantile traits of an insulted child. We are calling our partner as a father and defender only in those moments when we feel pain or fear. Once we feel more confident, there is no such acute need for his presence.

Check yourself: who is the first person coming to your mind when you want to share your happiness or great ideas? If the name of your ex comes first, your new relationships are not likely to last for a long period of time.

You want your ex to learn about a new relationship

One of the most evident signs proving that you are still stuck in the past – a burning desire that your ex finds out that you are not lonely anymore. Many people are sharing the details of their new private life in social networks or telling mutual friends hoping that the addressee will get the message. It is not necessarily a desire to make an ex jealous, but also a deep need not to break the connection.

Here belong also random messages or calls as if by mistake, when we hope to start communicating again or find out some information about the previous partner. It is important to us that a person that has been close to us and who we cannot let go, remains a symbolic observer of our life. This complicates mutual understanding with a new partner and influences their trust towards us.

You project the ex’s traits onto a new partner

Either consciously or not, we start looking for the traits we’ve recently adored in another person. It may be the height, posture, the color of hair or eyes, interests, and the way of life – everything that reminds us of past love. However, the attempts to reconstruct a past relationship are always doomed. It only distances us from another person and makes our worries last.

Besides, you may even insult your partner by such behavior because they will feel you are not accepting them as they are and/or are trying to change them. Also, it is a matter of self-deception. We may fall in love with our dream image of the past partner as if he/she was incarnated in a new one. Later on, when the spell is broken, we will feel frustrated and disappointed about our illusions.

You recollect your ex while being with a new partner

Preston Ni believes that “the main problem of a relationship based practically on the wreckage of the past is that we haven’t had enough time to analyze our past, realize what happened, and really let that person go. In this case, it is logical that our thoughts are always revolving around our ex, even in those moments when we seem to be happy with another person.” But it is impossible to build a new relationship without completing this hard inner work.   

You aren’t ready to introduce a new partner to close people

An introduction of a new partner to our family and friends is an important part of his/her integration in our life. Very often, we avoid introducing our partner because deep inside we understand that this relationship is just a substitutional therapy that is not likely to last long. We tend to perceive it as “me and you,” not “we.”  

As you see, falling in love until you’ve completely healed from a previous relationship is quite a challenging experience. Not to risk hurting and losing a person who may really have strong feelings for you, try to avoid this technique. You’d better let your past go before deciding to connect your life with a new partner.

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